All kids misbehave sometimes. They may break rules (accidentally or on purpose), and have trouble controlling themselves when they’re upset. It’s important to be understanding but firm in teaching them how to behave better. Remember to be fair. It’s not right to punish a child for “acting autistic” (like stimming or avoiding eye contact), nor is it fair to punish an autistic child (or any child for that matter) for breaking rules that other kids can get away with breaking.
Remember that autistic children experience extra challenges. Sensory issues, communication difficulties, strong emotions, and other issues can be very frustrating to handle. Keep in mind that autistic children’s listening body language may look different from the listening body language of non-autistic children. Stimming, looking in other directions, and not appearing to respond doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t listening.
Try talking to a therapist if your techniques don’t seem to be working. [2] X Research source Myers S. M, & Johnson C. P (2007) Management of children with autism spectrum disorders. Pediatrics. 120(5):1162–82
Ideally, you want to create a plan to help teach the child to avoid meltdowns themselves. Classic “disciplinary” tactics that focus on punishment, like time-outs, can make things worse by upsetting the child further and removing any sense that they have control over their decisions. Instead, teaching a child to take a “break” and introduce self-calming techniques empowers the child to manage their time and emotions and encourage the child to self-regulate. Our articles on How to Deal with Autistic Children’s Meltdowns and How to Reduce Meltdowns and Tantrums in Autistic Children can offer more detailed advice on helping reduce and manage meltdowns.
It is okay to buy yourself time. Try saying “I’m really frustrated. I need some time to figure out what I’m going to do about this. "
Routines also make it easier to narrow down why the child might be acting out. For example, if they always cry when you ask them to do homework after school, it might be that school tires them out too much and they need to relax first, or that homework is a source of major stress for them.
You and your child can keep track of tasks by “ticking off” completed activities. You and your child can keep a clock or a light-up timer near the activities to determine the time frame for each activity (if this helps the child). Help your child to design and draw these pictures so they feel more of a connection with the images. Keep the images in a book or on a board or wall so that your child can refer to them whenever they please.
For example, bath time may turn into shower time once your child learns to shower independently. Make changes to help fix issues as needed. For example, if you schedule exercise time after lunch, and the child often gets a stomachache during exercise, it might be that they need time for the food to settle. Talk to the child about the schedule issue, and brainstorm how to rearrange things (like exercising before eating, or having 30 minutes of free time in between).
Try to plan relaxation time after activities that tend to be stressful. For example, if the child usually comes home from school stressed or tired, then they should have at least half an hour of free time to unwind. If the child isn’t old enough to go unsupervised, you can offer casual supervision. For example, the child could rock back and forth and draw pictures in a corner, while you read a book or do something on your phone.
Keep in mind that your idea of “fun” might be different from the child’s idea. For example, a noisy party might be stressful for an autistic child. And lining up toys or walking in circles might be an enjoyable way for an autistic kid to spend time. If the child likes it, then it counts as fun, even if you don’t understand it. Being bossed around by an adult usually doesn’t count as fun, even if the adult is telling the child to play. If you play with the child, let them take the lead.
You can also announce unscheduled breaks if you see the child getting antsy. For example, you could say “I can see you’re having a hard time focusing. Let’s run around for 15 minutes, and then come back. "
If you notice behavior focused on a particular area, try having a doctor check that area. For example, a boy who hits his head might be suffering from a toothache or lice. Hitting a body part can indicate that something is wrong there.
If you think that the child is seeking attention, work on teaching them assertiveness skills. Teach them phrases like “I’m lonely,” “I want attention,” or “Will you hang out with me?” Reward this behavior by paying attention when they say this. That way, they learn that asking for attention is more effective than acting out.
Talk about characters. Feel free to ask questions like “What do you think he should have done to handle his anger, instead of yelling?”
“You look stressed. Why don’t you go to your corner for a while? We can finish your homework in half an hour from now. " “It’s a nice day. Ella, will you go get the mail for me?” “The dog hasn’t been walked yet. Will you please go walk him?” “Justin, I think we might be running low on toilet paper. Will you go to the bathroom and count how many rolls there are? Here’s a post-it and a pencil so you can write things down if you want. " “I can see you getting frustrated. Let’s take a 10 minute break and then come back to this. Sound good?”
“Are you bored? Would you like to draw some pictures with me?” “We have 3 more aisles left in the store. Will you count them with me?” “I can tell you have lots of energy right now. I’m going to start running! I bet you can’t catch me!”
The child (e. g. “Why do you think chores are so hard for you?”) Other caregivers (of your child, and of autistic/disabled kids in general) Teachers Therapists Autistic adults
“Thank you for putting away your toys so quickly! I’m really impressed. " “Good job being so gentle with your baby brother! You’re such a good big sister. " “Thank you for listening to me on the first try. That was really cool. " “Wow, you are studying really hard! That’s a sign of a good student. " “I’m proud of you for being so assertive with me today. "
“When you pick up your toys, your floor is a clean place to play. Everyone can walk and move around easily, and your room can be a fun place to hang out. " “When you’re gentle with the dog, it makes her enjoy spending time with you. She might even come to you more often, because she knows you will treat her gently. " “It makes me happy when you listen to me on the first time I give you a reminder. It lets me know that you do listen to me, and it means I don’t have to think of a punishment for you. I like it when that happens. " “When you use your inside voice, it makes it easy for your brother to study and your mom to get work done. People enjoy having a quiet house. It is nice for all of us. "
Don’t give up when a child misbehaves. Clearly explain that it is counterproductive. For example, “I can’t understand you when you shout. You can take some deep breaths, and then use your inside voice to tell me why you’re upset. " Patiently remind the child of self-calming strategies to use, such as taking deep breaths and counting. Offer to use the strategies together. Try validating their feelings and letting them know that you care (even if you can’t honor their requests). Children can calm down quickly once they know that you are willing to listen and empathize.
“Please slow down so you don’t slip and fall. " “Inside voices, please. Mommy is trying to read. " “Be assertive, please. I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong. You can talk to me, or use your tablet to show me. " “Hands to yourself. You can grab a fidget toy if you want to fidget. " “Be gentle with the cat. "
“You need to be gentle. If you don’t stop, I will take the toy away. " “I’m going to count to 3. By the time I reach 3, your hands need to be out of her hair. One. . . " “Inside voices are important. If you cannot watch TV quietly, then I will turn off the TV. " “Video games come after your homework. If you don’t do your homework, then there will be no video games. "
If you wait too long to administer the punishment, it won’t be effective, because the child may not connect the punishment to the misbehavior. In that case, it’s better to just let it go this time. [5] X Research source If your child learns well through visual tactics, create a series of pictures that explains how their bad behavior leads to punishment and good behavior leads to rewards. Doing this will help your child understand the relationship between misbehavior and discipline.
Give a verbal warning to give them a chance to correct themselves. (If they listen, then you don’t need to punish them. ) Try natural consequences—if the child throws their toys, they must pick up the toys or lose access to the toys for a few minutes. Consider loss of rewards or privileges, such as no TV time. (Make sure that this does not interfere with their special interests, as this may cause too much distress to be effective. )
Give the same punishment for the same infraction every time. Apply the same rules to all the members of the family, including the child, siblings, and even the adults. (If you break a family rule, then you might have to punish yourself. )
While spanking may alleviate stress for the parent, research shows that it stresses out the child and causes them to act out more and listen to you less. [8] X Research source [9] X Research source It can also lead to other issues later on, such as mental health problems, impaired cognitive development, and worse relationship skills. [10] X Research source [11] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source [12] X Research source [13] X Research source Parents can learn more effective techniques to make life easier for both parent and child.
“I can see you’re really upset about that. Yelling won’t help. Would you like to do some deep breathing with me?” “Why did you throw yourself on the ground? Were you upset about the grocery store?” “Hitting other people is never okay. If you’re angry, use your words, tell an adult, or take a break to cool off. ” “I love you, but I’m not happy with how you handled that situation. You need to do better next time. Let’s talk about this. "
Though this may initially sound like a “bribe”, it is in fact not so when applied correctly. The application of the reward system needs to be based on rewarding the correct behaviour, not for stopping bad behavior. Use this technique casually and sparingly. For example, “I’m really proud of how you handled yourself in that noisy store. We have some free time this afternoon. Would you like to read picture books with me?”
Qualification: always think carefully about discipline before implementing it. Would you be comfortable doing the same thing to a non-autistic child? If not, then that discipline practice may do more harm than good.
Creating a behaviour chart in which good behaviour is rewarded through a sticker or mark on the chart. If the child receives enough marks on the chart they get a reward. Offer to involve your child by letting them place the sticker. Token reward systems are a very common system that is implemented. Essentially, good behaviour is rewarded with a token (sticker, a chip etc. ). These tokens can then be changed at a later time for rewards. This system is often designed through a contract with the child as to their behaviour and as such can be difficult to implement for much younger children.
If your child doesn’t understand spoken words, add a small reward with your praise. Showing sincerity and delight in your child’s correct behaviours increases the frequency of those behaviours.
Sight: Something the child likes to look at e. g. a new library book, a water fountain, animals (fish especially are good), or watching a model airplane fly. Sound: soft calm soothing music of simple gentle instruments e. g. piano, or singing a song. Taste: This reward is more than just eating. It includes tasting different foods they like–an assortment of sweet fruits, something salty and any variety of something which your child views as pleasurable. Smell: have different smells for your child to distinguish: eucalyptus, lavender, orange, or different flowers. Touch: Sand, ball pit, water, food packaging e. g. chip packet, bubble wrap, jelly or play dough.
Access to the child’s favorite things shouldn’t be dependent on their behavior. For example, the child should be able to get their favorite stuffed animal anytime, even if they’re having a bad day. Rewards should be special bonuses. Don’t overuse food as a reward. This can lead to unhealthy habits as the child grows up. Overuse of physical rewards can decrease the child’s internal motivation. Be cautious about turning the child’s life into a series of tokens and exchanges. They should also learn to like being good for its own sake. Use praise, and phase out physical rewards so they are less common as the child gets older.
For example, if your child is acting out at bedtime and you are not sure why, you may choose to put her in time out. However, a “time out” could in fact be rewarding the child if her goal is to put off going to bed for as long as possible. Through discipline without understanding the cause, you are actually showing her that if she misbehaves at bedtime, she will get to stay up later. Sometimes children act out because of an external stressor that they don’t know how to handle (e. g. screaming and crying because of loud music that hurts their ears). In these cases, it’s best to remove the stressor, discuss coping and communication strategies, and forego punishment.
For example, your child may want to avoid something or a situation so they may “act out” to avoid the situation. Or, they may be trying to get attention or gain something else. Sometimes it can be hard to tell which is your child’s end goal–you will have to observe your child to fully understand. Sometimes children act out without any particular goal; they simply don’t understand how to handle their stress. Sensory issues, hunger, sleepiness, not enough down time, etc. may be the cause of this.
For instance, your child may “act out” when it is time for a bath. If she does this right before or during bath time, you can conclude that she is acting badly because she does not want to take a bath.
